HAYNES, Dexter J.

[dexter haynes]

DEXTER JAMES HAYNES

NICKNAMES: Dex.
AGE & BIRTHDAY: 23 | May 19
HEIGHT: 6'3"
HOMETOWN: Columbus, Ohio 
RESIDENCE: Los Angeles, California
PROFESSION: Muppeteer
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single

FATHER: Jacob Haynes, author
MOTHER: Marisa Haynes, pharmacy tech
SIBLINGS: Carol, 20. 
EXTENDED: n/a
OTHER: n/a

              _{BENDER & LEELA} 

   "Most important things in my life. Most people are such shitheads that I don't much care for 'em. Not to mention that my life keeps me perpetually on the road.. or at least too busy to hold down too many solid ties. These two come with me everywhere. I got an RV and have it totally catered to them. Them and my work, anyway. I even have puppets designed after them. Due to copywrite issues, I call Leela, Layla and Bender, Benny. Layla's a purple muppet and Benny's green. They're part of the same show I designed after a certain shithead ex I have. You should go see it while it's still on tour. Then you'll realize how cool my pets are, how awesome I am, and how not awesome everyone in my life is."



              _{CAROL HAYNES}

   "Carol's my fucked up sister and the bane of my damn existence. She's that girl that will sneak out of the house just to see what everyone does when she's not in her bed the next morning. She's the girl that you can hand a roofied drink, tell her it's roofed, and she'll still drink it because you told her not to. Carol will do everything you tell her not to and then some. I try to stay out of her business, but I've been in more fights than I could count over her stunts. I love her to death, that's why I do the things I do to keep her out of trouble, but the majority of my life is spent bailing her out of trouble, driving her to the hospital because she's terrified she's pregnant, kicking whoever touched her's ass. She does it intentionally. Especially when she hooked up with one of the bandmates. That's a long story for another day, but it was shit. Shit, shit, shit. Looking back on it, I was more pissed at her for thinking she could get involved with someone I was friends with than him for doing her."



              _{TEST ICICLES}

   "Yeah, that was the name of our band. I'd like to say that I took no joy in it, but at sixteen it was funny as fuck and we voted on it unanimously. We were supposed to become the next up and coming band. We were hot shit. At least in our own small section of town. Do you know how easy it was to get girls when you told them you were in a band? Let alone a good band? We performed a few gigs in town, made enough money to pay for hauling our gear and our various vices. After about a year of performing in town, we decided to go on tour. Parents wouldn't let us? Who cares, we were doing it anyway. We were all around eighteen, we had time to blow, so we did it. Didn't last long, never got signed, and we eventually ended things on pretty shit terms. Most of the guys hated each other, I wanted nothing to do with them. When everything went downhill, we crawled home with our tail between our legs - without my cunt girlfriend - and went off to pretend the embarrassing event never happened."



              _{SARA HOLLAND}

   "Remember that cunt ex-girlfriend I mentioned? Yeah, so she's not so much a cunt, she's just a total sell-out. She was all gung-ho about the band when we started out. She was the best groupie a band could ask for. She came with us everywhere, didn't bitch too much about the gas station burritos we ate on the way. She was cool. Sara's got this… thing, about her, that really makes you want to keep her close while also wanting to strangle her. When we ran out of money, things between the two of us got rocky. We weren't getting gigs, we weren't doing what we said we were going to do. So we caved and decided to go home. We as in the band. As in not Sara. Sara, decided she wanted to stay in California and chase after some other band. Pretty sure that's how she's spent the last five years too." 



              _MUPPETEER

   "This is where I am now. I don't get to stick my hand up kermit's ass yet, but I'm doing pretty damn well. After Sara and I split, I spent the next six months brooding over it and writing songs about her and all the things I loved and hated about her. I basically chronicled our entire relationship into probably twenty short songs. Then I spent the next six months converting all these songs into something a little less Taylor Swift and a little more funny as hell. I designed an entire show with muppets based on all the people in our lives and set up a show with these songs. I named the show "Test Icicles in Holland." Clever, yeah, I know." 

ALIAS: rae
PLAY-BY: ollie e.
CITY: la
LISTENING TO: n/a

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