: light it up

[sebastian oliveras]

it's hard not to get angry when she keeps giving me attitude. fighting fire with fire and making a proper mess out of shit is usually what i do best, so it's hard to bite my tongue and not tell her to pull her head out of her ass right now. i lean back on the couch, resting my bare feet up on the coffee table in the hotel suite and cross my ankles. my hand is on the back of my neck, rubbing at the tension headache that was starting to build between the news of this kid and the attitude marisa was giving me about the situation. i could use a fucking drink, there was no doubt about it. i ask her to come and typical marisa can't just give in and say yes, she has to turn everything into a game or an ultimatum, she has to make me sweat, make me make a call that she knows i'm not gonna like. she wants to be my lawyer, but she wants to be my girlfriend, the truth of the matter is the control freak doesn't know what she really wants. i want to snap at her, i want to put her in her place for talking such bullshit. i don't have to choose, i know i want her here and i know i want her to be mine, but she's the one that won't give up the case, she's the one that's hiding behind her lawyer duties so she can make jenna fucking miserable for hurting her. i clench my jaw and let out a breath through them, calming myself before answering a lot more softly then i wanted to "you know if you're here i want you to be girlfriend, but you're the one who won't give up the case, so i guess i'll have to live with it." i didn't want to live with it, but i knew once she was in the same city, i'd find a way to have my cake and eat it too. i just had to get her here. "but you have to do, what you have to do with all this shit and be my lawyer." because you won't give it up i want to add bitterly, but i don't. "just come, ok? we'll sort out all that other shit once i can see you face to face, ok?"

[marisa harris]

He's annoyed, I know it. He always gets like that when I refuse him, or battle anything he says. But I can't back down. Not completely at least. I pull my knees to my chest, caring little that my dress rides up. I almost smile at the thought of Bas sitting in front of me and ignoring everything i've said because he's too busy being distracted by what, if anything, is under my dress. I rest my chin upon my knees and hope to god Teagan doesn't ring me or knock on the door saying I have a visitor, because I know i'll snap. I like the quiet of my office, as it allows me time to be able to try and sort the shit ton of thoughts going on in my head at the moment. They're already causing enough noise, that, along with his damn voice saying everything I don't want to hear. And even though apart of me knows I put myself here, with refusing, it still hurts. When he says he'll just have to live with it, I nod before giving a small sarcastic laugh. "Ah yes, just what I fucking wanted to hear," Was it selfish and unrealistic of me to want him to fight me to drop the case? Was he really that terrified to drop me as his lawyer even as I protest and grab someone else, even if I didn't approve of them? He was the client. Whether it was or not, it was all I wanted. Contradiction and all. I loved when he took control, even pissed me off and told me this was how it was going to be. And no matter how hard I denied it, I was just any other girl. Any girl whose knees would buckle at the sight of her guy telling her he wanted her and he wasn't going to let anything else ruin them. I sighed and tucked some hair behind my ear, trying to not show my disappointment and splitting heart with my words. But everything was unraveling and I hadn't even gotten to the city yet to see him in person. Or even.. her. But I refuse to cry on the other end for him to hear, so instead I close my eyes and build up another wall. Be his lawyer. I knew it since yesterday, I knew i'd have to go through it all, and even if a very large part of me wanted to rip Jenna to shreds, there was a small part that hoped Bas wouldn't let me. But now that I knew he wasn't going to really fight at all, well, there was nothing left. I felt like I already lost a battle, right before I had to start another. "Yeah. Your lawyer. So glad that's settled, thanks for making this an easy ass decision." I shake my head, still keeping my eyes closed. "I'm coming for fuck sake, alright? But talking about us is just going to make things worse, and if you want me to focus, I can't do it. Live with the consequences and just leave me fucking be. So I can help your stupid ass, yet again."

[sebastian oliveras]

attitude attitude attitude. that's all i fucking get from her. i can't win whether i tell her what she wants to hear or not, she's going to take offence or get pissed off either way. i ask her to give up the case, she blows up that no one else can handle it, i ask her to focus on her job and she gets snappy and pissy because she can't be my girlfriend. i'd be trying to fight it back, but this time i snapped. "stop being a bitch, harris. stop making this more fucking difficult with all your girly bullshit." i feel guilty immediately, but i keep going "you wanna be my girlfriend, you wanna be my lawyer, you can't fucking have both apparently so how about you pull your head in and choose, because all i'm getting is fucking attitude." i snarl and wait to hear the dialtone as she hangs up but i don't. so i try a little damage control "i know you're upset, and this isn't exactly fucking peachy for me either, but being a bitch and pushing me away isn't going to make this shit better or easier to deal with." i get up and start pacing slowly on the plush rug in front of the television.

[marisa harris]

Did he just say my girly bullshit? I tense up now, and my eyes fly open. It was comments like these that made me regret ever being emotional in front of him. I feel like he just punched me in the gut with just two words, and I want to strike back just as hard. Because the Marisa Harris before this would have never given a guy a chance to say such a thing. And right now, hurt and all, I wanted desperately to be her again. For protection once more. "Girly bullshit?! So me being upset over the fact that my boyfriend could be the father to some fucking underage bitch's kid, is girly bullshit, then you're more of a stupid asshole than I ever fucking thought." My heart races. "You fucking did this to me, making me feel. And right now I hate you for it, for this exact reason. Because you attack me for feeling." I pause then tug on my hair with one hand in frustration. "How is this only my decision?! How can you not tell what I really want right now, Bas? If I didn't want to be your girlfriend more than being your lawyer, I would have hung up on you a good ten minutes ago and wouldn't even have agreed to come down other than for the trial." I surprise myself with my little revelation, and it takes me a moment before I continue. "You know what I really want. What I got excited for. I want to be normal with you for fucking once. I want to stop having to hide all the fucking time. I told you this! But I still have a contract you haven't burned, and you still haven't found a god damn replacement. Because you know deep down i'm the best one for all and any of this. And if it ends up being yours, you want someone you can trust to get you out of all the crazy shit that will follow and not give up on you. No matter what." I give a shaky sigh and rub my eyes, speaking softer than before. "Because you know i'd do that for you in a heartbeat.. And i'd do it even if we weren't together anymore." I let a silence hit us for a moment before responding once more. "I'm not trying to be a bitch anymore Bas. I'm sorry for not being more sympathetic. But what the fuck do you want me to do? Fight your case by day and be in your arms by night through it all?"

[sebastian oliveras]

i'm such an asshole. it was so obvious to me now that i shouldn't be snapping at her like this. we were both just as freaked out as each other by the news and for once i couldn't just kiss her to shut her up when she started her crazy ranting. i wish i could though, because words were never my forte. like we could both witness now, me making an ass out of myself trying to ease the situation and i was only making it worse. i slump back down on the couch, head in my hands trying to suppress the frustrated groan that was on the tip of my lips while i listen to the guilt trip of a century. i didn't want to make her feel worse then she already did, but surely she had to know that i wasn't exactly jumping for joy at the matter. i had enough on my plate already without having to navigate the same relationship issues we'd been struggling through for months. i don't now why she thought all the added pressure would suddenly make these problems go away or seem less important, because now they just seemed to make everything ten times worse. i sigh when she lets silence envelope us. "you know exactly what i'd prefer, and what i've wanted for a long time, longer then you if i remember right..." i add teasing her just a little. "i want you to be my girlfriend and not my lawyer, but you haven't exactly made the process of finding a new attorney easy and you haven't really been very supportive, and i know it's a pride thing, so i've let you turn down all the guys i've wanted, but you can't turn that around on me now because you're hurt, harris." i'm not usually so diplomatic or calm, but if she'd gonna lay it on the line i guess i should too. "and i gave you the option to not take this case and you threw that in my face too. and i'm not ungrateful, because i know you're going to get me the best of whatever can come from this, but you can't keep throwing my mistake in my face like this." i sigh. "you know i want you here because you're the best at what you do, but you're my girlfriend first and foremost."

[marisa harris]

I'm so thankful he can't see my face right now. Because the pangs of guilt are readily showing on my face. I press my lips tightly together in annoyance, tap my free hand's fingers along my desk, and roll my eyes, knowing he's right to an extent. And though I know I have the right to be upset with him, it is to an extent too. He hadn't planned this, and here I was letting my emotions get the better of me because I was scared. But I knew he was too, even if he didn't say it outright yet. I could hear it in his voice whenever he mentioned me throwing the situation in his face at every second I got. And he mentioned pride, and I sigh, knowing that's more than accurate, and i've been avoiding it. I knew it was due to my competitive nature. Losses never sit well with me when it comes to business. And though i'd be gaining some freedom in my relationship, which I knew I wanted for a while, i'd have to give up his business. It made me wonder what I truly cared about more, and if I was just talking out my ass before when I said I wanted to be his girlfriend more. Because if I did, I could have terminated my contract myself and he obviously would have gotten over it, it sounded like. But I realize as I listen to him that I do want him over it all, and it was just my fear of admitting i'd want a relationship over winning in my career at all times. I hated to apologize. But regardless of everything, I did miss him and leaving on a bad note already before the start of this wasn't looking to be in my best interest anymore. I tried to navigate my newer mixed feelings now, while chewing on my lower lip as he teases me with words. "What do you mean longer than me.. dating?" I say quietly, my heart going a little faster, but at least this time it wasn't due to anger. He mentions the attorney search and I sigh, annoyed. "Okay, yeah. Well, I just don't want you to have some shitty person representing you. But I guess if your manager found me for you... maybe he isn't completely hopeless to find a replacement.. Maybe." I reiterate lastly, trying to not completely give in to apologizing. "I just don't want the kid to be yours." I finally say. Because it's not mine, is what my mind suddenly tells me, but I shake that off. "I just wouldn't know how to deal, so I freaked. I know. And even before anything was proven, and that was.. wrong of me. As was being unsympathetic to how you must feel about it all right now. And not knowing yet.. I'm on your side still, even if this is still weird." I say. He then tells me I come first, and my heart leaps. I feel like such a girl right now, smiling a little but trying not to. "So i'm that special, huh?" I try and milk it, almost yearning for him to say more. But realizing the more he says, the more it'll bother me that i'm not near him and we can't mend things a little yet. "Why do you have to be so fucking far away right now.. jesus." I mumble quietly, while tracing circles on my desk in slight annoyance over everything.

[sebastian oliveras]

i want to pinch myself, was this an apology? had i managed to out argue marisa harris, attorney extraordinaire. i may have just pointed out the obvious to an upset woman, but i was going to take the win anyway it came. she went quiet and the first thing she jumps on is my teasing. "oh come on, harris, you know i was begging you to give me a decent chance for a long time before you got on board with my charm" i chuckle, finally relaxing a little for the first time since the start of this conversation. "we'll find someone, ok? and you can make sure they answer to you whenever you like" i sigh "i don't want it to be mine either, babe. we'll prove it and then it'll all be over, yeah?" she apologies and i just wish i had it on tape or in person because it doesn't seem quite real. she softens when i tell her she comes first, like she didn't think it was completely obvious. i chuckle, softly, touched by her insecurity despite her being such a force to be reckoned with usually. "you're definitely that special, and i want you here now too.." distance was a tougher barrier then i had ever thought it would be, especially now. "so when's your flight?" i tempted her

[marisa harris]

I smile a little. "I thought you just wanted more of an excuse to have a constant bootycall. Calling me your girlfriend would just be a disguise," I tease a little before sighing and looking out my big window once more. "Yeah fine. And this is my last good lawyer deed for you, Oliveras. I'll set up a meeting soon, so we can get this quieted as soon as possible. And all this shit can end." And whatever happened in that meeting with Jenna and I. Well, I was going to make sure she'd accept dropping every little lie she brought to light about him following this paternity suit in an instant. I'd show this meddling bitch just how persuasive I could be. He speaks of me flying out and I realize I never cancelled my flight that I had been planning to take to surprise him later, and wondered if forgetting to was a blessing in disguise. I look down in the trash and pull out the ticket, chewing on my lower lip as I debate whether I should use it or not. Technically I didn't need to be in SF until I was ready to meet with Jenna, and her attorney hasn't even called me yet. But I can't help wanting to see him more now, even if it'll pain me to know we'll be watched so much more now. I sigh, actually regretting my decision to be such a pain in his new attorney search. "Hold on," I say. I put my iPhone down on my desk then hit speaker on my work phone, and yell to Teagan to cancel and move my last two meetings. She tries to ask me if I still want my flight later, but I quickly hang up on her so Bas doesn't hear that I already had a ticket to San Francisco this entire time. I then run a hand through my hair before putting him on speaker. "We'll have to be more creative you know. Meeting." I pause, stand and begin to pace. "But if you can plan that carefully.. I'll see you in a few hours." I finally say, giving in just a little.