: light it up

[marisa harris]

I'm shaking. Not from being cold, but from the anger. My brain hurts, my eyes are tired from the lack of sleep since the early morning call the day before. I haven't rested since Bas's manager called me in a state of panic, stating that a girl came forward and said he was the father of her child. He had a child. It was repeating in my head constantly since that morning, and wouldn't even relent even as I tried to push aside being a girlfriend, and focus on being the attorney. At first I laughed at the thought, knowing these types of accusations happened frequently among the famous and their obsessed fans, but the more his manager panicked, the more I worried. And the more I just wanted the truth. So I spent the entire day digging into the girl's past, trying to put together the pieces of her life and how or when, if even, she and my boyfriend had met. It was an exhausting process, especially when I kept getting interrupted by my other case work and annoying life habits. But what was more annoying, was that he hadn't even attempted to call me. Not once. Not once to explain, not once to beg for some type of forgiveness or reassure me it's a ridiculous accusation. I got nothing. And now, I couldn't take it anymore. Walking back to my desk I snatch up my iPhone and flick through my contacts. When I find his name and then hit call, my breathing picks up and soon enough it feels like he is taking forever to answer, even though only a few seconds have passed. When I finally hear his voice on the other end, I try to hold my emotions in check. At least, the ones making me want to cry.. "Where the fuck are you?" I say bluntly. I pace in my office, before wrapping one arm across my chest and stare out the 35th floor window into the bright sunlight coming from a typical New York summer afternoon.


sebastian oliveras

[sebastian oliveras]

I was just so fucking sick of the gym. If you saw our personal trainer, you wouldn't understand because she was beautiful. And fit. Just the kind if PT the 49ers' would hire to keep a bunch of red blooded males motivated to get their ass to the gym day after day. It was a smart move, but she was slave driver and after our session this morning and my late night on Skype, I was fucked, so I was calling a rest day and chilling out for the rest of the afternoon. Basically it meant taking a nap, catching up on sleep that marisa had kept me from, keeping me up until all hours with her long distance teasing and even longer after she signed off as I rubbed one out at the thought of her. Sexy as fuck and driving me mental at the very thought of her. She always had that effect on me. I'd been ignoring calls from my management all day, too lazy to answer their questions about another endorsement deal or interview. But when Marisa's name flashed on my screen, I couldn't help but peer, bleary eyed at my screen and smiled as I answered, although I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction on the other end. "what do you mean? I'm at my room.. why are you so pissy?" i mumble in sleepy tones, confused as hell.

[marisa harris]

I pause. Was he serious right now? There was no sound of panic in his voice, no guilt.. in fact, it almost seemed like I woke him from some midday slumber. My brows knit together as my manicured nails tighten against my Moschino iPhone case. I turn and stomp over to my desk once more, then flip on my television. I flip through a few news channels, practically laughing and holding back angry tears as news channels splash headlines of Sebastian Oliveras having a baby mama. The press wanted to bury him already, and he was acting like nothing was wrong. "Shut up." I finally respond, before averting my eyes and turning down the volume when a news anchor starts talking. "Have you turned on the news lately? Because besides the potential war on Syria, you're all fucking over it, you idiot!" I yell, and my voice cracking at the end. I cover my mouth with my free hand and close my eyes, trying to calm down my rapid heartbeat and beat back the tears. After a moment I shake my head and pace once more. "You're going to be the next biggest obsession since the Manti Te'o bullshit, and you can thank not keeping your dick in your pants for that, can't you." I force myself to look back at the television screen, the anger subsiding a little, and the grip on my phone as well. But now i'm just overwhelmed with the emotions I wanted to hide.. "Oliveras... Bas.. why didn't you tell me?" I finally croak out. I'm frustrated, tired, confused and hurt. And I just want answers.. And I want to hear it from him first.

[sebastian oliveras]

what is she even talking about? I struggle through the fog of sleep that clouds my brain and roll over on the couch to reach for a remote. I don't bother answering her just yet, i'm biding my time to hear what kind of bullshit the news is spreading about me now. I'd gotten used to this, before the NFL, before marisa, it came with the territory of his family and having parents and a sister as well known as mine. They were always trying to make something up. I flicked through a channel or two until I caught his name and stopped to listen. I listened to the news piece and almost wanted to laugh. "oh come on, marisa. you don't really believe this shit, do you? I've probably never even met this girl." I relaxed back on the couch, no longer wound up by Marisa's angry tone, no wonder his management were madly calling him, they were probably in the middle of a meltdown trying to keep this from getting bigger. Or at least bigger then it already was. I mute the TV set so I can watch it while I talked Marisa down off this ledge. But before I could start they flick to an interview with her and I immediately recognise her face. Jenna. Bright green eyes and sandy blonde hair and I remember us disappearing into a cab after the new year countdown and fucking each others brains out for the next three days, tucked away from the prying paparazzi at the beach house. "oh fuck" I mumble into the phone, I was completely fucked.

[marisa harris]

He was laughing. He was telling me that I was crazy to believe anything the news was reporting right now. But that reassurance did nothing for me like I thought it would, as I still felt there was something missing. From everything I pulled on her, I could tell she was a fan of the 49ers and there were a few days where they could have met over the past year. But pinpointing the exact day, time and place, if even, required more investigative work. One I wasn't willing to do until I got a little more from him. And if he couldn't give it to me, genuinely couldn't, i'd put me more at ease to know this could be false and i'd work from there. But then what seemed like a moment of realization, he uttered into the receiver, Oh fuck, and my heart sank.

"So you know her..." That was the nice way of saying, so you fucked her once upon a time. I felt sick. I gripped the side of my desk and lowered the phone from my ear, fear immediately taking over me. For a girl who was good at compartmentalizing, I was terrible at it right now. I couldn't stop thinking like a girlfriend, emotions full on, and almost inches away from a heartbreak. This was not happening. And yet it was. And crazy enough, I found myself wanting to know more, to know how he met her. When, how long, if it ever overlapped with us.. I was going to torture myself to know the truth. And I couldn't decipher if this was just the girlfriend taking or the attorney in me as well anymore. "Oh fuck you Oliveras. I swear. But if you.. if you don't tell me everything you know about her, everything you guys did and when.. i'm hanging up. And you can deal with this shit on your fucking own," I sniffled, blinking rapidly to fight the hot tears.

[sebastian oliveras]

it wasn't really mine. that was all I could think. If I thought back I guess the dates matched up, not that I knew anything about babies or pregnancy but from new years to September was about nine months. Why she didn't come to me, or why she wouldn't have told me before now made me doubt it. Why now? I thought back to the few days with her. She was sweet, a spitfire in the bedroom but it was obvious she was drawn in by the celebrity of LA, and his in particular. I groaned into the phone as I heard the strain in Marisa's voice, I hated that I managed to make her doubt me after everything we'd struggle to gain over the past few weeks! why now?! "Marisa, just calm down. I hooked up with her at New Years, it was like a fling that lasted a few days and I never heard from her again. This is just a publicity grab though, thats the kinda girl she is, it's not gonna be mine." I tried to please her, trying to keep her calm instead of hysterical.

[marisa harris]

How was I going to do this? Put my emotions aside and stand in court and not want to go and strangle the little blonde slut thinking she could ruin us. Of course it was stupid to think she knew about us, as no one did, but I knew girls like her either way. They either planned this, poked some holes in a condom when the man was too drunk to notice, or the guy wasn't paying attention enough to care about protection and she knew it, or the girl was falsely accusing just to get fame and money. Either way this was going to change things for us, I knew it. I could feel it. And no matter what he said right now, it wasn't going to fix it.. Not yet at least. "New Years, just perfect.." I say. Now the dates fit, and I threw my remote across the room, so annoyed and emotional I even hated myself for it. But I couldn't stop. We had just worked so hard to build a trust, to build a relationship.. and I had finally found someone I was willing to give a lot for, and now there might never be a chance we could be together completely. Not if I had to remain his attorney and deal with this and whatever else followed. It would be too much. "I don't know how you expect me to stand in the same room as that whore, but i'll defend you. I have no choice. But what if it is yours? What if that fucking thing is yours.." My voice cracks again and I cuss, annoyed once more. "Think about that Bas, because I swear to god. If that kid is yours.. I can't.."

[sebastian oliveras]

i rub my face as i listen to her cuss, knowing that despite us never being serous back then, i was still fucking her and girls never take that well, regardless of how much they insisted at the time you 'weren't together'. i feel like an asshole, but how was i ever supposed to know this would come from it. i rack my brain as i hear her in the background throwing shit in a silent hissy fit, trying to think of protection and if i'd bothered to use any. three days in bed and i couldn't even remember, i felt like a dick. a dick that might possibly have a son. she hadn't hung up on me yet though, which was probably a testament to our relationship now, because a few months back she would have laughed in my face for my stupidity and hung up. now i knew that it was hitting her harder then i'd expected it too, and as if i didn't already feel shitty enough, i felt worse. i sit up on the couch, slouched looking at my feet, head in my hands as i tried to talk her down, but she cuts me off and i sit silently, letting her say her piece. because before now i hadn't thought for a second that she would not only have to be my girlfriend through this but my lawyer. i cringe at the thought, hearing her voice crack, and the only thing i can think of is to try and ease her load. "i'll get another lawyer, marisa, you don't have to sort this shit out. it's not fair on you." i feel guilty immediately, firstly at the thought of putting marisa through this and then at the dreaded thought that maybe the baby was mine. i thought of jamie and the years he'd spent ignoring and denying that he had a daughter, only for her to change his life. he wasn't going to be able to do that, he was too selfishly enjoying his young adult life to give it up to a baby he didn't ask for and a woman he barely knows. "it's not mine, marisa. calm down, ok?"

[marisa harris]

I almost feel a little stupid for feeling angry and even slightly jealous, knowing deep down Sebastian and I weren't even a couple then. But it still burned, and I wondered how far back my attraction to him, other than sexually, it really went. And how much denial I had been in. I drift a little in thought, but it only makes me angrier, and when he finally speaks, saying he'd find someone else to represent him, I laugh. A cold hard laugh. "Oh that's a good one. Because you know I can't let you do that. Not now, especially after I spent all last night and today investigating and doing research. I'm not turning this over to anyone else, no matter how much.. no matter how much this is going to fucking suck." I want to say hurt, but i'm tired of being so vulnerable. I hate it. And I know if I say it, i'll cry. And i'm so tired of crying, so tired. When he goes back to denying, I hope it's true, but my anger still spikes. "Don't tell me to calm down. I can't fucking calm d-.. You know what, I can't talk to you right now." And I hang up. I drop my phone on my desk and try to breathe, but I almost feel like i'm having an anxiety or asthma attack, and I grasp at my chest for a moment and close my eyes, letting some tears fall down my cheeks as I shake. "Fuck, fuck, fuck" I say, before telling myself to pull it together. I need to pull it together before going forward. I also realize that in the midst of being angry with him, I didn't even think of how he felt. If he was scared even, at the possibility. Or even angry. I did what I did best, and screamed at him, hardly letting him speak at all. I wipe at my face once I regain composure, and look over at my phone, pick it up, yet I hesitate for a second to dial back. Instead I stare at his photo on my home screen and chew on my lower lip.

[sebastian oliveras]

i can never win these arguments. i guess this is just the downfall of dating your lawyer, you can't argue with her, she's always going to win. especially because she knew what this allegation meant, she knew what was to follow, she knew the legal proceedings and the court cases we would endure but i didn't. i was still focussing on the possibility of having some random kid with my DNA. and i can tell when she gets all lawyered up because she gets cold. she gets condescending and i'm assuming she's talking to me like she talks to the moron that would try and take her on in a courtroom. why can't she just let this go? i don't understand how her work can possibly mean more then her feelings, but she's that twisted kind of workaholic that knows no difference. i'm torn too, because part of me doesn't want her working this case, but part of me knows it's my best chance of getting out of anything and everything i'm accused of. it's obvious she's the best. i roll my eyes as she refuses to hand the case over to someone else and i rub my eyes with frustration, trying to wake myself from the nightmare that was suddenly my life. i try to reason with her and she cuts me off. again. and as quick as that she's hung up on me. i must have spoke too soon, because there she went. i groan and refrain from throwing my phone across the room. i take a few deep breathes and suddenly my phone rings again. it's not her, so i hesitate to answer, but it's my manager so i answer it but i take my time, answering it just before it cuts out. he has a few choice words to say about me and my dick and the trouble i get myself into you. he tells me my attorney is onto it and i shouldn't let it get in my head, to focus on next sunday and keeping my head in the game. last weeks season opener made everyone hungry for more and i was hoping this would be a winning season, now i wasn't so sure. i agree listlessly, as he tells me to leave it to my attorney, he couldn't know how difficult that would be, and hang up. no missed calls, no text messages, she was definitely pissed. i take another deep breath and give in, finding for her name in my list of favourite contacts and letting the phone ring... and ring... and ring. finally she answers, but she's not happy to hear from me. i sigh. "i'm sorry, babe, i didn't mean to be an asshole. just don't hang up on me, ok? let's just deal with this shit one thing at a time." i try to calmly reason with her, mostly because i refuse to acknowledge the possibility that he's mine and because i don't want her to worry about it either. "first things first, i'll talk to her. she probably just wants money or something, i can just pay her to shut her up so it's not all over the news and then... i don't know. we take a paternity test and prove that it's not mine... ?" he didn't want marisa to have to advise him on his legal options, but he needed her to right now. he needed to sweep this under the rug, and fast.

[marisa harris]

I sit in silence for a few minutes, my thumb hovering over the call button below his name. I drift into thought, wondering if I was being smart about all this. Was I overreacting too fast? I shook my head, though in my heart I knew I was being a little harsh on him already. I already accused him of so much, as it is my instinct to most times, but I can't help worry that maybe me being too harsh will lead him to believe more. And the last thing I want is him to get close to that child and woman... no matter the results. I jump when my phone rings and his photo pops up, and I fall back into my annoyance phase. When he apologizes, I do soften a little but then he says something incredibly stupid, and I immediately go on the attack. "Are you an idiot? You aren't speaking to her at fucking all right now." I shake my head. Was he trying to test my patience more? "I'm the only one who is going to talk to her," I say. I remember her face from the news and I grip my phone tighter as I try to figure out how to make him understand. I look off at the far wall by my leather lounge chair, and stare at an abstract work from a modern artist I love from Belgium. "Before the actual testing, I have to have a long fucking conversation with her, to try and see if this is even worth going forward, hear her say and all that fun shit. And if we can find a quiet agreement, i'll bring it up to you and we'll all have to discuss it with her attorney as well. But I have to talk to her first, not you. I'm the lawyer." I pause and turn to face my desk. I stare down at the ticket I purchased to surprise him this Sunday at his game, and bite down on my lip hard and close my eyes. "You can't see her or the kid, don't let her try and tempt you to. No matter how curious or whatever the stupid fucking feelings you might get..." I open my eyes and then pick up the ticket in my free hand and shakily sigh, knowing I couldn't do this. I couldn't be both for him right now.. Playing these thin lines, hiding our relationship, I never thought it would take a toll on me, but I am slowly feeling it now. "Just promise me, okay?" I know Bas well enough to know his fears and curiosity could eventually get the better of him, and the more the news or people spread word of the child, what he looked like even or gossiped about Jenna, he could easily fall into believing too. Even if right now, he was the one denying. I know I have to be firm, cold even and be what he needs right now. And that is his lawyer. My heart hurts at the thought that I have to choose right now, especially after everything else we went through, but I know that if I am going to stay focused, clear him, even after the test results came out so he can continue on with at least one less drama threat, he needs someone to take control. But to do that I have to start with her.. Jenna. She has to go. Now. I soon find myself dumping the ticket into the trash can, sucking back the tears and feel myself harden as my anger and eagerness to play with my new enemy comes to mind more vividly.

[sebastian oliveras]

i cringe as she goes from content silence to seething hate, i can hear it, i can almost feel the hate burning through the phone. ""ok, so talking to her was a bad idea" i mumble softly as her control falls away and she's yelling at me down the phone. marisa knew me too well, though. she knew i was curious as fuck, she knew that i wanted a chance to lay eyes on the baby that was supposed to be mine. maybe it was black and i'd never have to worry about it ever again. but i think my chances of that would be slim to none. i wanted to talk to her though, i wanted to set it straight, whether she wanted a cash payout or she wanted me to suffer, i didn't understand why it had to be now. did she have a secret radar that locked onto my life now that i just seemed to have it together and a burning hate that made her feel the need to destroy me? to destroy us? as much as marisa was wearing her lawyer shoes now, scolding me for my stupid actions and giving me the legal advice i needed to get through this without ending up in jail or worse, payment child support for the rest of my life. but i could still here the hurt in her voice, that hopeless she was feeling at the thought of me somehow being connected to another woman. if i was feeling bitter i knew it was similar to the feeling i felt when i thought of her being married before, but i didn't want to start throwing it around, having an illegitimate baby seemed to be a lot, lot worse. he wanted to be there for these conversations, he wanted to face jenna but he didn't dare ask marisa now, not with this all so fresh in her mind. "ok, i won't call her or anything. i'll leave it to the professionals." i try to joke, but she ignores it, or she just doesn't hear me, because she's too busy demanding my co-operaton. "i promise, babe. anything you want me to do, i'll do, ok?" one day they might look back and laugh about this, today was much too soon though.

[marisa harris]

It's hard to not take offense to everything he says or suggests. It's my way of trying to cope with the fact that this is all actually happening. And I want him to hurt as much as I do right now. I'm not sure if that's possible, but i'm willing to give it a try. And keep trying until I just can't anymore. "Yeah, ya think?" I practically snarl on the other end, before rolling my eyes. At one point I can hear Eva's voice in my mind, telling me she predicted this. Predicted that by picking Bas over all the other men in our lives, I just put myself in harms way. And I think back to his past, our conversations, our constant fighting and it makes me frown. Was I even making the right choice right now? Had I even been for the past year? This whole situation was already making me question things, and I hadn't even hit a full two months in being his girlfriend. I sigh as he tries to joke and lighten the mood, rubbing my forehead in the midst of it all. I know he's trying, but i'm not even sure if I can at this point. I'm exhausted and both my head and heart hurt. I crave hours worth of whiskey drinking and just collapsing into a black pit of nothingness for the night. I want this pain, this all too familiar pain and fear, to just go away. When he promises and says he'll do anything I say, I look down at the trash bin and the ticket buried within it. I frown and shake my head, then tilt my head back to keep the tears in check once more, my emotional self getting on my nerves more and more. "That's just great Bas. Thanks for cooperating!" I finally say, in the most sarcastic tone I can muster. I then sniffle a little before looking back at the television and staring at the girl and then the child's face.. the one that could be his. And something in me finally snaps. "Why don't you go back to whatever the hell you were doing before. Don't worry about this, i'll take care of it, okay? " I pause. "And if you need to talk to me about anything relating this, you know my hours." I say, completely changing my tune. I try not to think of my heart as I turn cold towards him, treating him like every other client i've ever had in a matter of minutes. "But if it's for anything else.. just don't bother. Just don't.."

[sebastian oliveras]

it's pretty typical that i've taken a bad situation and made it worse. she's gone from upset girlfriend to cold and professional lawyer in a fraction of a second and i know that she doesn't want to think about the repercussions this might have, but surely she knows that i didn't ask for this kind of shit. i wonder if i hadn't been named starter this season, or if we weren't doing so well, if she would still have made this claims, or if she wouldn't have bothered to let me know either way, even if it really was mine. marisa had been proud of me for being named starter QB, i didn't think she was so proud anymore. "marisa..." i say softly, trying to reason with her, trying to break down the walls she had managed to put up again. it just came with the territory with her. "don't pull that shit. come out this weekend. you've got a legimate reason to be here now, come stay with me and we'll sort it out, ok?" i wasn't sure she would even go for this, but i hated being so fucking far away from her. she was going to go home tonight and drink her bodyweight in whiskey and there was nothing i could do about it, but if i made her promise to be here, then i knew she couldn't pull some stupid stunt when she was drunk and upset. "i want you here, just come, ok?"

[marisa harris]

When he responds, I can hear the worry in his voice and I roll my eyes. He was always worried about me ever since London. And though most of the time I found it endearing, it still never ceased to annoy me at the same time. I've been taking care of myself since I was ten years old, it wasn't like I was incapable. And so what if I wanted to drink the pain away? It's my life. I'll do what I want. Always. But despite my annoyance and everything else making my head spin, my heart still yearns for him regardless. I want to be near him again, to just climb into bed with him once more and lay there knowing he wasn't actually going anywhere. To be reassured that we weren't going anywhere.. If I was a hypocrite right now, so be it. But I couldn't help my ever changing emotions. Especially during this delicate and difficult situation. I finally take a seat in my leather chair, kick off my heels and pull my legs up underneath myself as I contemplate his words. I don't respond right away, instead making him sweat a little, as if I hung up again or just left my phone and departed without it. I rub my temples a little with one hand while chewing on my lower lip in thought. Finally I respond, "I'll come. But I can't stay with you..  Cameras will be everywhere now. San Francisco isn't a safe haven anymore, Bas." I sigh and run a hand through my hair as I lean back in my chair, lips pressed tightly together for a few seconds as I try to keep my lower lip from quivering. "You can't kiss me like you-..." I pause, remembering so vividly the overly crowded airport and the way he didn't give a fuck about our rules anymore, and completely captured me in a moment i'd never forget. But to repeat it again, that was unlikely. Especially now. I finally gather up another response, trying to push that memory to the back of my mind. "What I mean to say is, we can't be how we'd normally be. You can't have me be both right now during this.. It's lawyer or girlfriend right now. What's it going to be?" I ask flat out, though almost immediately regretting it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer.